SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA (1988)

If you haven't seen this before, then prepare yourself for 79 minutes of sorority bitches, hilarious deaths and one Super-Crazy-Awesome Demon puppet....sorry, I mean Imp puppet. The initial setup is so ridiculous that many unprepared viewers give up before the the Imp, or Linnea Quigley even appear. That could be the reason for all the pointless but appreciated nudity in the beginning. These dorks start spying on a suspiciously small sorority during an initiation which includes an awful lot of spanking, some whip cream and a shower. These dorks get caught spying and afraid of getting spanked have to help some pledges steal something from the mall. While at the mall they run into a badass chick(Quigley) that robbing the place and the sorority bitches follow the pledges and the dorks to the mall to scare them. Now at some Impy the Imp is released from his prison....a bowling trophy. He begins granting wishes that go bad and end in ridiculous deaths. If this doesn't sound like the best movie ever, its because it isn't. Not by far. But there are some pretty funny lines. Plus the puppets voice alone is worth wading through some of the terrible acting. This movie is best when taken with alcohol and a group of people.
Oh I almost forgot the She-Demons. The She-Demons are the funniest things in this movie. They look so bad. I hope everyone gives this a chance.

You'll notice that I included some credits at the bottom. The reason being that most of these actresses are in some other terrible must watch films such as Return of the Living Dead, A nightmare on Elm Street 4, and one of my favorites Slumber Party Massacre. The director also directed a whole bunch of terrible shit and more of his films could be appearing here soon.

Starring Linnea Quigley(RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD), Robin Stille(SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE), Brinke Stevens(SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE), Andras Jones(A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4), and Michelle Bauer(NIGHTMARE SISTERS). Directed by David Decoteau.

HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN (1987)

Rowdy Roddy Piper kicking mutated frog-people ass while on a mission to make babies. Think I'm lying? Watch it for yourself or just read on.

After a nuclear war, that leaves many people sterile, fertility becomes a commodity. Sam Hell, a wanted man, when captured is found to be the most fertile man alive. The female run government enlists Hell to impregnate all the fertile women they can find. They make him wear this contraption that allows them to give electric shocks to his gonads whenever he does something they don't like. Spangle, the woman in charge of shocking Hell's junk, leads Hell along with Centinella, a female soldier, on a mission to save fertile women from Frogtown. Frogtown is a mutant reservation run by captain Toty along with his right-hand mutant with an eye-patch, Bull. Spangle's plan is to infiltrate Captain Toty's harem, while Hell breaks in to get them out. Unsurprisingly this does not go quite as planned. Spangle is forced to do the dance of the three snakes. She has to dance to arouse Toty's three snakes. This is exactly what it sounds like. She is rescued right after her dance is successful. They fight their way out of Frogtown only to be pursued by Toty in some kind of toad dune buggy/tank.

Rowdy Roddy Piper is Sam Hell in what seems to be practice for the dozens of terrible movies he will make in the years to come. He is actually quite fun to watch in this movie. He is not the best looking or most convincing actor but he brings some fun to this movie. The frog mutants are also very entertaining. The costumes make the dialogue matching difficult and it shows, but it also makes it a little funnier. Why is every woman in this movie, even the frog woman, so attracted to Roddy Piper? I'm convinced that this is one of those unanswerable questions. While on the mission they drive a strange pink militant vehicle. I don't even know how to describe it.
There is so much unintentional humor in this movie i can't even list it all. While most of what is supposed to be funny is just cheesy. The funniest part of the whole movie is the dance of the three snakes. It contains both intentional and unintentional humor. The last twenty minutes is mostly action, even if it is cheesy. Add all this together and it is a silly, cheesy, campy and unusual look at the post-apocaylptic genre. However you won't forget it once you've seen it and chances are, whether you like it or hate it, you will enjoy watching it.

I just found out after watching this, that there are more frogtown movies. FROGTOWN II, TOAD WARRIOR, and MAX HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN. Watch for reviews once i can find these movies.

JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER (2001)

This cheesy, Canadian detective flick is filled with vampires, atheists, corpses, blood and even a Mexican wrestler. If that wasn't convincing enough, there is also talking ice cream, lesbian vampires, Jesus playing the drums, and Jesus singing.

Jesus decides to crack down on vampires after they kill two priests right in front of him. His first decisive act is to get a haircut. Jesus then sings trying to convince people around the city to help him fight vampires. He eventually gets a hot sidekick to help him. They eventually find out that vampires are killing lesbians to take their skin so that they can walk in the light. Jesus later teams up with a wrestler, the Saint of the ring, at the urging of God talking through a bowl of cherry ice cream. Jesus goes on to fight vampires in a bar and ultimately has a showdown in a junkyard.

This movie starts out very slowly and feels as if it is a detective movie from the seventies. Near the beginning there is song and dance number. This is a very funny scene and if you enjoy it then you will love the rest of the movie. Jesus fights a lot in this movie, HE fights atheists and He fights vampires. The fighting is the funniest and worst thing about this movie. Its too bad that most of the fighting is very unconvincing and there are a lot of punches that don't even connect. They don't even look like they connect. The fighting does get better towards the end. Most of the fighting is there for humor, especially towards the end. The only disappointment, other than the fighting, is that Jesus gets a haircut after the first fight. He has short hair and pierced ears and is unrecognizable as Jesus.
The most notable scene in the movie is in a bar where Jesus sings. while singing he notices he can only see two people, out of a crowded bar, in the mirror. Jesus then goes on to the drums. Jesus while on drums throws a drumstick, stabbing and killing a vampire. Jesus goes on to use almost everything in the bar to slay vampires. He even uses darts, crutches, pool cues, plunger and his own garlic breath. Jesus even goes so far as to get a man on the toilet in on the slaying. The Saint follows his lead using tables, chairs, and toothpicks to dispatch the vampires.
There is a transition that appears multiple times in the movie. It reminds me of the old batman show transition. In this one there is a crucifix and a spiral behind it while you hear someone singing "JESUS". That transition is one of my favorite things in this movie. There isn't very much blood at first but that amount keeps increasing all the way to the end. During the last two fights there is plenty of blood.
The soundtrack to this movie is cool and it matches the detective theme and feel. The closing song is also pretty funny as well as the closing credits which are filled with outtakes.
If you can get past the slowness in the beginning and get over the fighting early on then this movie is quite entertaining.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter was written by Ian Driscoll and directed by Lee Demarbre.

THE MAN WITH THE SCREAMING BRAIN (2005)

This is a SCI-FI channel original movie starring Bruce Campbell. It is also the first movie to be directed and co-written by Bruce Campbell. Bruce Campbell is directing another movie as well titled MY NAME IS BRUCE. While you wait for it enjoy the brilliantly mediocre camp of THE MAN WITH THE SCREAMING BRAIN.

Bruce plays a CEO of a pharmaceutical company visiting Bulgaria on business. Along with him is his wife Jackie played by Antoinette Byron. They meet an ex-KGB cab driver Yegor, and a gypsy maid named Tatoya. An unusual love square develops here. Stacey Keach plays a crazy scientist named Ivan Ivanovitch Ivanov. Ivan is developing a way to use cells from one person to heal another. His half-assed assistant Pavel, played by Ted Raimi, exists exclusively for hit and miss comic relief. Together they are trying to market their research to William Cole, while he is in town. When Tatoya murders William Cole and Yegor, Ivan has no choice but to use his research to heal William Cole using Yegor's brain. William Cole now has Yegor in his mind and controlling the left side of his body. This is where the movie gets better, so I won't ruin it by telling what happens. Here are some things that would be criminal not to mention. P-money the dancing thug of a robot. This robot, created by pavel, has some sweet moves. Bruce's post brain surgery make-up is cool enough to scare children. Tatoya and Jackie have a cat-fight, even if it is short. Jackie's brain is used with p-money's body to create a blond cyborg. That sounds better than it is. Cyborg Jackie walks very slowly and with much less grace than P-money while dancing. In a fight scene near the end, Bruce fights dirty. That is as cool as it sounds

Some of the jokes and gags are a little ridiculous. Most of these are centered around the Pavel character and his robot, P-money. The best comedic element of the movie is Bruce Campbell acting out the actions and intentions of two separate people at the same time. I actually laughed quite a bit at his performance. This movie would probably work more if it was an over-the-top gore fest. It could benefit from more gore, some nudity, and a slightly hotter cat-fight. This was a Sci-Fi original which accounts for the toned down feel. However, it does seem to have the right amount of story, pacing, humor and camp to make it a decent watch. It probably wouldn't stand up to multiple viewings though.

LEGEND OF THE SEVEN GOLDEN VAMPIRES (1974)

This movie is the result of two epic film companies, hammer films and shaw brothers studio, combining their styles. when I found out this movie existed I was more excited than I should have been about a single movie. It sounds like a genius move, combining the horror of hammer with the kung fu of shaw brothers. Unfortunately this movie isn't as great as it sounds, although it is unforgettable once watched.

Before I get to the specifics of this epic disaster, here is the main idea. A Chinese man travels to Transylvania to ask Dracula (John Forbes-Robertson) to return power to the seven golden vampires, so that he may prosper once again. Dracula possesses this man and returns to china. Professor Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) is in china to lecture on evil. He is accompanied by his son Leyland Van Helsing (Robin Stewart). Van Helsing is approached by a young man after a failed lecture, who tells him that his village is in danger and that he needs his help. Van Helsing, and Leyland form a caravan to save the village. During the trip they encounter the undead, and eventually the six remaining golden vampires, and kah(Shen Chan), the man possessed by Dracula. This is essentially the plot of the movie.

Peter Cushing returns as Van Helsing. He does the usual job and keeps the movie going as best he can. Kah apparently has a gong that calls forth his army of slow moving, terrible fighting zombies.This is the slowest damn army of undead I have ever seen. In addition to slowness they also possess a most courteous fighting style. They wait in line ,or sometimes in a group, until their victim can dispatch the zombies that got there first. The fighting is a big step down from most other shaw brothers releases. Still there are some enjoyable fights near the end. There isn't as much gore or blood as I was hoping for, and what little is there is pretty ridiculous. Aside from the zombie army rising from their graves, which gets old quickly, all the effects are pretty poor. There is some brief nudity, but even that cannot make this movie as good as it should be.

I do not recommend this movie for serious viewing. This is a terrible movie, but it is the best kind of terrible. Full of unintentional humor, shambling corpses, brief nudity, average kung fu, and plenty of gong hits, this movie is decent enough to keep a group of horror fans and kung fu fans alike, entertained. Even though LEGEND OF THE SEVEN GOLDEN VAMPIRES fails as a horror movie, it succeeds as a "so bad, its good" cult classic, mostly because of slack-jawed Dracula\Kah banging his gong with no remorse.